a toss for.....

*SMILING?EMOTIONLESS?SAD?@LABILE MOOD?*

23rd February'10@2045

This is my post 1 week of exam blog.With the commencement of 10th semester,in a week I had psychiatry exam.Exactly one week right after my exam.Yeah,I got through excellently,more like my mark was given based on my performances in class and with an additional question(I've never been asked that question in any of my exams here!).Done with my 1st exam for the sem and currently into Infectious Diseases rotation which will be ending this saturday.

I was waiting anxiously for Friday(19th February'10) so that I could take a complete break for the next 4 days(which I did,3 days without books!).23rd February is a public holiday which marks for Men's Day.In real,looking back at history,formely this celebration was intended for those who had served the army and it was known as Red Army Day.Basically,23rd February is celebrated by giving gifts to all the adam's species in Russian Federation,Ukraine,Belarus.Officially now,it is called DEFENDER OF THE FATHERLAND DAY.And now,tomorrow,back to my usual routine..ermm,can I extend few more days of break?Going to bed when the dawn breaks,and waking up past noon,is certainly blissful!!!:p

Chinese New Year celebration was held yesterday at 3rd hostel.No performances like the previous years,everyone is certainly BUSY!There's no fun in just thanking and wishing "happy chinese new year' and walk away with food/just stay inside a room with a couple of friends.I kind of missed our 4th floor's spirit..I still remember 3 years ago in our 5th sem when the whole 4th floor's residence(atleast majority of us) sat on a mat spread on the floor and enjoyed the food,that's how it's supposed to be but sadly,it's not like that anymore,especially now with another 2 semesters left before we bid goodbye to each other.

Anyhows,the food was really tasty.Rumin sim gave me this large piece of fried chicken...*burp* thank you everyone:)

On sunday,for the very first time,i tasted yee sang which was prepared by yeow,kok meng,soo ching,rumin,kheng huat and shari.Tossing yee sang was thrilling but not when it falls on others hands!!Thank you,thank you..too bad the pix are still with Kok meng,can't upload them:(

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So they say it..Happy Valentine's Day!

*on this Valentine,for my valentine,I give You my heart*-I think this is a very cute pic :p

12th February'10@1600

"Nava,what's the plan for sunday?" Jeff questioned me to which I responded with a smile.Still the both funny groupmates of mine,who are apparently my walking partners from psychiatry hospital(every day!) continued asking "You know what's the day right?" This time I responded back saying "No,I don't" obviously with a smile,again.They didn't believe though saying "ah,you don;t know?" and burst out laughing! Jeff again "what you will be doing on sunday?" Me: "will be dating my psychiatry notes.That's the plan for Tuesday's exam!"...so here you go,the time of the year came again for us to show and spread love.Thanks to St.Valentine for making it an official day to celebrate the day of love,but,just the me asking again a very simple question:"I thought everyday is a Valentine's Day,no?"

10th Semester had been officiated with psychiatry exam cycle..yeap it has been a week,and next Tuesday will be my first exam for the semester.So still trying to get all the psychiatry terms into my mind.The first few days I found it very hard to get started with books after the extreme hibernation and idle me of 10 days of holidays.I was complaining "WHY ONLY 10 DAYS?".."I WANT A LONGER WINTER BREAK!!!".But now,I find psychiatry is interesting,too though not that much when it comes to patients,well will come to that point very soon...

Previous semester,Dr.Kitaieva was our mentor and for this semester,Dr.Ivan Borisovich took over and he will be our examiner.He's very good at commenting and explaining and the best thing about him is he himself being the 'patient' especially when he mimics and demonstrates gestures,physical appearance and every day situations of a psychic patients.Good job,Dr.

Last semester,the whole cycle was spent in our classroom wherelse this semester,we were exposed more to patients.2 days consequently (yesterday and today) we visited the female department.All of us had the fear (atleast the slightest) before we were even told to change our second pair of shoes and get ready to face the patients.

Yesterday was my very first time being in the department.I was on my guard,so did my groupmates.As the main door was unlocked to let us in,the very first female patient we say exerted the fear in all of till the end.She was in her green robe,with a continuous serious look,with subtly flexed face,looking very intensely at us.We walked pass the many patients wandering outside their wards and a few even came out from their rooms upon seeing the 'new doctors'.I was standing beside the couch seated by sarah,xiang yun and treasure,when we saw the lady in green was advancing her pace towards us with a manner to attack.My heart started to pound and when another patient(whom later was interviewed) approached us,she turned away and was back to her initial position standing behind the locked door.Phewww!!!

3 patients were interviewed.Everyone with 3rd auditory hallucinations.I wonder what the voices been telling them while they(the patients) were facing us.The very much anticipated abdalla became as quiet as a mouse upon seeing the patients.Though with delusions,agitation,tangentiality,flight of ideas which can annoy others,they still need the fullest care and support to get better because there's no way they can manage it/recover with only medications,or most of the time there;s no history of full recovery in psychiatry patients.Today,we had 2 patients with Alzheimer's Dementia and Vascular Dementia.2 different patients(totally).Impairement memory and intelligence are clearly visible when the clock could be drawn(to access visiospatial) but failure to point it at 3.40pm.Both patients couldn't even remember their children and spouses names.How saddening is that now right?Alzheimer;an unknown ethiology of progressive impairement of the brain's function can give a different outlook towards life to appreciate and be thankful for being the gifted ones once you're exposed to these type of situations.Still,no one can predict who will be the next victim of Alzheimer's as the age catches up.

On another note,on monday and tuesday,zakiah and I were followed by a young lad in his early 20s by the name Dima.From my observation,he is definitely a patient over there.His movements were rigid(like a robort),bright red eyes but well groomed and with a slow speech.Initially,abdalla became his first friend after I passed by him and went up upstairs.He followed abdalla and wanted to get to know the girls.Luckily,all of us were saved by Dr.Ivan Borisovich ushering us into the classroom.The next day,as I entered the department,he was waiting over there.He came so close that I started to get anxious.As the approach towards psychiatry patients are more 'gentle',I remained on my position and came a question "what's your name?" "Leena",I answered to which he replied "nice name"."On friday,can you come for a concert?" Me: "I can't,I have classes".Dima:"Okay,after class,you come". Me:"okay".I was just waiting to get out of his sight and quickly climbed up to my class.Later during break and again as zakiah and I were at the washroom,he appeared again asking zakiah "Is Leena in there?"..Came out,he asked me something which I couldn;t undertsand and I said "bye" and left.Now,isn't that a freaking good experience to have had an encounter with these patients?

To all those are reading this entry of mine: "Happy Valentine's Day to all of you".And remember,Valentine's Day is a day to show your gratitude,appreciation and love to the ones you kept very very close to your heart and carry them wherever you go:) Celebrate the day and if possible,make it an everyday event,and not only for a day(14th February each year!)

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"Missed" Part Of Me.

* can I ever get back the things which I have missed?*

3rd February'10 @ 2215

4 more days to end my short semester break.Here I am in my room,replied my e-pal's mail,sort of gave 'consultation' to 4 of my friends.I'm already a doctor @ Jr.Doctor:).1 more year to go,Nita...*should I be happy or start getting all tensed up?*

Facing my Dell,my mind is darting back to many things which I really want to put in words.I was asked few days ago " What You have missed?I guess you have everything?" when I responded to my 1 week plus old mail (*smile*) "Doing medic has no life,all you have is your books to look to and accompany you.Only I know how many things I have missed and I can never get them back".

I'm a person who really appreciate and value all the small things in my life.I don't wish for real big and luxurious things to be spent on me but just a small and sincere care and love will do.Nothing can replace that priceless love given to me by my dearests.

When I say "I miss you",I really mean it.I know some of you might be seeing me using that phrase alot in my fb and it's not written for fun or to just attract attention.I want to stress it here that it is meant for you and your absence really gives an impact on me.

Missingness which I can never get back will always linger in myself.The many missingness which will accumulate as I grow older every passing day.Seriously;,

~I miss reading my favourite novels past midnight and sleep with it during lower secondary days.

~I miss sleeping on daddy's chest every night before I was ushered back to my room with a peck on my cheek.

~I miss lying on mum's lap when I needed to ease myself.

~I miss having a good heart to heart talk with mum and dad every night.

~I miss having our family dinner each night in front of the tv in the hall.

~I miss having that sister-brother-quarrel with ragu.

~I miss having daddy as my alarm clock early in the morning to wake me up to school.

~I miss our early sunday morning talks on the bed.

~I miss hanging out with my besties and buddies on special occasions.

~I miss hiring the cab and hitting the squash ground every thursday after school with my besties.

~I miss sitting on my swing and look up the sky for the brightest star before I finally make a wish.

~I miss having that small talk with dad and mum on the swing while munching my snacks at night.

~I miss disturbing mum and dad when I have nothing to do!

~I miss the saturday nights dinner at my favourite places with dad and mum.

~I miss celebrating the many special occasions with dad and mum.

~I miss baking cookies with mum a week before diwali.

~I miss the early morning oil bath, and visits to temple with mum dad and ragu on auspicious days.

~I miss being present and be part of my big families gatherings and on most significant days.

~I miss being there to welcome the new cuties to the family.

~I miss addressing myself personally instead of being told by others "she is your dr.sis/dr.aunt"

~I miss having that small fumbling for keys fight with ragu to drive dad's car.

~I miss driving my own car when I don't have to squeeze myself into a public bus!

~I miss not having to bundle up with a thick clothes but just a denim and jeans will do whenever I wanted to go out.

~I miss enjoying my favourite foods without having to worry about diabetes mellitus,arterial hypertension and obesity.

~I miss being mum's chaperon when both of us go out together.

~I miss the late night 'sneak out' from my room to downstairs for a spoonful ice cream:p

~I miss having that good late night and long chats in msn;)

~I miss having our father-daughter debate when I wanted something before daddy finally gives in:)

~I miss doing shopping with mum and dad,going up and down the many shops to find for the best suit for me:) * talk about being a girl and wanting the best*

~I miss getting ragu into trouble even when he was such an 'angel'.

~I miss being that happy school girl without any burden/responsibilities waiting for her.

~I miss the lil girl that I once used to be..the kindergarten girl;I miss sleeping in my big pail/bucket beside the cute little plant in my garden.

~I miss eating that 'secret' cone ice-cream given by my late grandma,I miss you badly ammama.*I'm so unlucky to lose you at that very tender age*

~I miss being paraded as a princess by mum, guarded by my elder brothers:)

~I miss the more real and pure world that I own once.

~All in all,I miss being the care-free girl that I once was.I miss doing things that truly gave me the happiness that I wanted.

And now,that's just a lil ranting from me.That's me,on and off I'll reminiscise my 'missed life' which can never be understood by others.I'm missing it more when I'm totally free just like now.

Still,life has to go on right?Soon in a year,I will be missing my Medical Student life and will be fully responsible for the many lifes in hospitals.

Am I prepared to let go of these and face the new phase of my life?Time will decide everything and all I got to do is,simply -PLAY MY PART to be part of it.

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Life after exam!:)

1st February'10 @ 2308

Started off the day by getting done with our practicals on ambulance procedures.Will be officially starting on thursday and the remaining days will be done when semester reopens.

I'm going to make a very short entry here,only pix to be seen.We decided to go for ice skating today.Me,wani,soo ching,farah had dinner at the "Biblioteka Cafe" (biblioteka in rus means library).It was my (and the rest's) first time being there except for wani who had already been there with syahrul.The environment was simply too cosy and very inviting.The service was good with the waitresses being able to communicate in english,providing us with menu in english:)..and when the food comes..I was just too happy!!! I enjoy food very much.We ordered separately and tasted each,awesomely delicious with a complete meal set : cheese pasta + chocolate milk shake + mousse..okay enjoy the pix..and I'm giving you the honour to drool over the food..*lol*

Never in a million years...

* never in a million years,would there be another you..I would shed a million tears if ever we were through*

31st January'10 @ 0122





My eyes are refusing to sleep.It's definitely a huge change in my biological clock system over the years.If 3 years ago,I could sleep for a long stretch of 12 hours right after coming back from classes on fridays,now I can barely sleep for a continuous 6 hours without being awakened in the middle.My brain cells are fatigued but I just can't seem to lay down to get a good sleep.Dismissing the many thoughts that are running in my mind-they could be one of the reasons of my sleeping disorder but I think,the best answer to explain would be the normal routine during classes and the alertness and burning midnight oil when nearing to exams are responsible for this 'tired yet fully awake' state of mine.





I felt a strong pulse to add an entry at this very hour.I'm clearly sane to say this "no matter what happens in the next few years to come,I will still be the same person.It's a vow."-this is for those who are dearest and closest to me and my heart.





Things probably would have been different if I had chosen to stay in Malaysia and furthered my studies there (perhaps in a different field?) but I know there's a significant reason behind it and a very explainable(unexplainable) reason for all the things that are happening now.I just want others to know that,never look back for the things that you wish you could have done earlier/the things that you had missed a chance in life.You're thrown into this and for certain,He will get you through this.After all,all of us are His favourites(I'm the toppest one on His list,no offence peeps:p).Never complain for all the things that are happening to you now,you're doing extremely great there,I can see and I'm dead sure of that.Make the best out of it and you'll see yourself sparkling eminently among the other brightest stars.You'll never lack best wishes and lucks as long as I'm here *wink*..so keep on moving up and strive for the best;)





Had a good saturday though.Soo ching,my hairstylist highlighted my hair with streaks of light blond,it looks (very) obvious,but I'm loving it!!:)





Dinner treat given by karthikkesh in his room.Enjoyed his foods very much..with my usual early satiety,I couldn't go for 2nd round but I tried all his dishes which reminded me of mum;s cookings especially his mutton curry.Not a huge fan of mutton curry,never really been but the curry was delicious.Thank you very much for the post exam dinner treat,junior:)





I missed visiting Krishna for the past 4 weeks due to by busy schedule.Don;t get mad at me,You know You;re always on my mind,regardless of my thick and thin times.I'm coming right to You tomorrow at 3pm.You have the most extraordinary effect on me,not denying that.Will see You with a bouquet of flowers in less than 12 hours time;)





I loved this quote(posted by sarah in fb) the very first time I saw it.Sarah,you are in Salzburgh right now,I hope you won't mind if I rewrite it on my blog(thanks in advance)=)





"never in a million years,would there be another you...I would shed a million tears if ever we were through"





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The taste of my freedom;)

*little prince of the family...isn't he adorable?* -Aunt Nita.
29th January 2010





hey bloggie,been 2 weeks since i last blogged!!!Now I have sufficent time in the world to keep you abreast!





I'm feeling so loosened up?Actually,my occiput is exerting a mild excruciating pain,well I'm ignoring it completely,still wanna continue blogging,and let myself swiftly sway to the beat of music.





I'm so the tired after 2 major exams for the semester: paediatrics and epidemiology~*yeay,exams are officially over at 1pm today!* I couldn't put it in words how i felt throughout this week...worn out completely!Paeds,done on monday with Professor.She was entirely impressed,my questions weren't that tough but it's how you present it to her and how well you can explain your clinical case.Days before paeds exam,miraculously I wasn;t tensed up but I was more relaxed and just wanted to face it."what could possibly go wrong,right?If can;t answer,just do another day!" so that's my new policy now and I;m less tensed up!





Paeds done.When others gave up saying,"i'm totally drained from paeds",I wanted to complete epidemiology as I don't want to bring it to next sem.I learned my lesson,therefore,it's a big NO NO! Only started reading and memorising all the facts seriously on tuesday.Even then,I'm always being lured away,even when I tried to stay away.Allright,bring it on then:p





3 days for epidemiology?what????Maybe it's more than enough for certain individuals but as for me,I was further 'tortured".I'm very adamant that my brain would have cursed me to the hiatus of vengeance for not letting it take some time off!I wonder when it's gonna explode for not being able to withstand the amount of pressure I'm imposing on it!





There were moments of emotional breakdown that took place last week.For an example,for the very first time,I sent a long mail to mum explaining myself being not the one enjoying life when all the remark I got from home "why do you always back off at the last minute and chose to do your exam on the second day?"..Mum never gets it no matter how many times I explained to her.It was a pure emotion filled mail which I sent to mum knowing that she was very angry at me.I never sounded that way,even in words but Mum was suprised saying " It has always been your choice to study medic,now you are saying all you have is your books in your 25 years of life?"..Well,Mum said her 'true reply' will be sent tomorrow,I'm waiting to read it actually.So what is it now?Mother VS daughter's mail?We'll see..Ma,I love you.





Epidemio today,only managed to do 2 rounds in 3 days before I decided to pack my bag and catch the bus to pharmaco department..still felt not prepared,don't know why.Professor was already questioning wawa when I walked in.She gave me her sharp look,okay yes I know I went lil bit late,heck,it's better to study,knowing something rather than being the you who knows nothing!!





4 questions,all were ok...managed to answer them and when my time came,my zachut book was passed to a young teacher.There I went following her to her cabin!!!Extra questions were asked,got through and here I am now,just ate 3 slices of pizza..I'm awfully hungry for the past 1 week..



it's time to compensate for whatever that I had missed for over the sem,that include:





1.a good long hours of sleep without any dreams,YES NO DREAMS PLEASE(not even the sweetest one:p)





2.catch up with my besties in msn: shalu,I gotta so many things to tell ya..you'll be surprised,babe!!!


vicks: the can wait news now,cannot wait any longer...where are you la?went cuci-mata-ing already?*wink*








The things I really wanted to do/planned for the break:





1.Highlight my hair with streaks of blond.Hairstylist soo ching offered her skills,so shall let her do wonders on my hair!





2.SHOPPING,shopping and shopping!!!I wanna be a shophaholic,daddy!





On the least of things which are still on my plan:


1.rewrite my last internal medicine lecture notes





2.complete my notes on my abandon hematology.





3.complete notes on psychiatry





4.practicals on ambulance!!!








Well I received quite a number of good news for the past few weeks*wink*..the best out of them is grandpa finally got his 1st great grandson born on 20th January: Prince came to the world..he's extremely cute,looks more like my bro in law,Navin!Can't wait to cuddle you in my arms,lil prince..you are so adorable,cutie:)





Tonight,I can sprawl on my bed instead of sleeping on my study table...now this is what you call;THE TASTE OF FREEDOM! I never knew it could be as sweet as honey,or perhaps,sweeter?





Happy 10 days holidays,nita!:)

F for fudged up!

* being calm even when it feels like a volcano waiting to erupt*

15th December'10@1545

*Inhale and exhale deeply,nita~*..yeap,done!*does it help to destress?*..*guess,no..still so fudged up!*I'm so the....#$%!@###*(nothing in vulgar!)

what am I feeling at this very minute?I feel like-smiling?laughing out loud?lash out at someone?box someone?or even feel like breaking things?a good combination of all those,yes,that's what I feel like doing right now!!!!better still I wanna hike up to the top of Kledang Hill and SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT!

Before every semester begins,after checking the time table,I'd be satisfied,only to realise later at the end of the sem that it never mattered even how swiftly it goes(even when with an exam cycle to begin with),in the end,group 531E will always get screwed!!!Why?Yes,I won;t deny we get the best mentors and at the same time being one of the most obedient groups(or are we the only group?),we still can;t cross the mind's of few mentors for an example,MY LAST ROTATION'S HEMATOLOGIST: ALEXANDROVNA SVETLANA VOLKOVA.Just one simple request yesterday "can we compress a class on friday?" the answer we got was very hopeful "okay,read hemostasis and chronic leukaemias".And what happened today? "I'll see you on monday:practical class and you'll get your zachut after you've done correction on your CASE REPORT!"..Isn't that great?Just a small request,we didn;t even want to cancel any classes better still we asked whether it is possible for us to carry forward one class to next sem?and see what we got?I was sure that I could get my dopusk from the dean's today,put away my hemato file on the shelf and get FULLY INTO paeds..but now...I've no words to say,too tired to voice out anything that I chose to blog instead!!!

My time table is partially to be blamed also..*hate this*..I made a mistake for the second time and I SWEAR I won't let this happen again,I will make it up to you over the holidays,I promise!I will,you gotta give me a chance here.Haematology is a novel subject in my medic studies.I was pretty much welcoming it but I know I wasn;t so TOTALLY into it..partially neglecting it because of paeds..was trying very hard to juggle between these 2 subjects and being more bias and inclined to paeds.Additional notes,doses and infos which seems like never ending(all the 3 sems work) and recent additional of questions,all are taking toll on me.Interesting subject which requires lots of reviving extra materials especially when you have a specialist who thinks whatever you studied is simply not enough to answer her questions!!!!*frustrated*..I know it's my mistake,perhaps I should have just immersed myself into HEMATOLOGY for the past 4 days,should have,but why I didn't?* my bad*.

Hence,Monday i still have another day of my hemato class..(my final class!)

Not really in the mood to chat or to have conversation but trying to be calm and think everything will be ok if only I keep my head above the water..still ,all I need now is a place to sink in deeply.Or nothing less than the best..a hug from dad or mum~.

"still *bleeding out* from what had happened" -*off mode*

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