not to give up,ever.

29th December 2012 @ 1540 H

They say housemanship is all about learning the skills and working experience which we had never experienced in Medic School.I totally agree on that point,only if you allow me to add this;housemanship is also all about learning how to painfully digest the mistakes of others when they are hurled at you,housemanship is how to make your adipose layer thick(hoping that nothing said will affect you,which is absolutely false unless you're one heartless person!)by persistently approaching your sarcastic superior for consultation,housemanship is learning to not to wash off your hands in the mid way thinking someone else (as promised) will take care of it,housemanship is all about being all in one in a day's work(that includes in doing every other people's jobs including yours).

Working in different departments made my eyes open to few things.In my previous posting where only 1 lady is a MO,the working environment was more fun as it wasn't emotionally inclined.Specialists ( with exception of a few) do not scold you.It was more of an 'stern tone'..which I won't describe as getting all blown up.Definitely,girls have the most advantage when the environment is conquered by the Adams.I'm sure you don't need an explanation why but at the same time,it feels awkward to get caught in between all of them when you're working as every pair of eyes will be directed at you when your eyes mercilessly point to everyone that you're lost in their conversation.At that moment,the uncomfortable feeling will engulf you and you just wish to sink into the floor.Otherwise,working with the Adams team seems more rewarding,easily approachable when your are in doubt and less stressful compared to where I am now.

The current department where I am now is adrenaline rush enviroment(well, that's what the ones work who work there makes it look like!) coupled with excessive emotions ,including the Adam team who work there.Will it ever get better?If a MO cannot maintain his/her calm,how do a young HO like me to begin with?Identified nice souls in this department and atleast now I can question them when I'm not clear on something and it feels good,unlike how it was few weeks ago when I missed my previous posting and my highly respected mentor.I'm convinced now that,somehow,things will get better as it goes.

Otherwise,for me,housemanship period is where I am learning not to ever give up on what I'm doing and whatever that may come/seems to be hard,will eventually pass and make things easier,and that;s only when I don;t give up,ever.

1604

Love and Dream.

                                                   Love and Dream...:) a revisit needed..

19th December 2012 @ 2235

I grew up being  someone who craves for novels.I love them to the extreme.My first ever most sought after novelist during teen age was Franchine Pascal who penned down more than 50 books of Sweet Valley Twins.The teen novels were hot selling books in the MPH/Popular or any book stores.I remember being a weekly visitor to the state public library to grab as many books as I could as Dad totally had a different opinion on buying novels with price tag,well who wouldn't when I don't re-read the novels subsequently they  just end up being lifelessly paraded on my shelves.Selfishly,I used to hide the books on top of the shelves in library so no one could lay their hands on the novels till I finish reading them.Yes,I know I was being selfish but...:)Exchanging books with friends became another alternative...those were the days of living in fairy tale world which took me to Sweet Valley High and Sweet Valley University.As I advanced further,Sidney Sheldon and Michael Crichton(the creator of ER) came into the picture and replaced Franchine Pascal.A high school student once I was,novel reading was minimised but  at every chance I could get,checking out new novels has always been my favourite agenda on my outings.

In Medic School days,when I was freezing in my 410 during winter on semester breaks,the-just-nice-warm temperature of the room from the heater,a cup of coffee with slowly tuned on favourite collections of songs in the background,cuddling under the blanket with a good novel had always been the most memorable and best activities which I had always looked forward.As you would have guessed,as you grow older,your interests changes and Danielle Steel and Cecelia Ahern soon joined my list of best authors ever and I'm totally engrossed with them that  a month ago I even bought few books online..this time around,Dad didn't say anything,of course;)

The big names of authors which I mentioned earlier inspire me to read more and to become like them.I've always been marvelled at the thought of how imaginative one can be having had published novels which captivate the hearts of many.The touch of words and imagination is indescribable.All I can say,they are gifted personnel:) They bring us into their world of creativity.I learned the beauty of Paris from the novels I read which made me all in love with Paris and I was struck with awe when I visited the city and I would love to revisit the mesmerizing city once again.The western authors bring life to the novels.I could feel their admiration and love towards their countries when each plot of the novel were narrated in their own countries..Cecelia Ahern hails from Ireland wherelse Danielle Steel from Paris:)

Friday nights parties were encrypted in my mind based on their novels.It felt too good to read the novels and nothing seemed more interesting than those novels.I could go on reading without having have to take a break as how much these authors had made difference in their each novels.A good novel certainly makes one day better and I have 3 books waiting in line to be finished.I wish I have the time to just spread a sheet beside a crystal clear beach,and without any doubt,under a shady palm tree and lay down with a novel in my hand.How I wish so badly for that to happen!Prolly,a good vacation is all that I need!

Fairy tale stories of Cinderella is an all time favourite.Fairy tales,you wish your life is as it is how penned down in it.Nothing seems imperfect..everything is just so fine,with an happy ending in the end no matter how impossible it would have seem in the beginning.Novels put reality check in each read,they make you go all out so that you could feel the plot.Novels give you mixed emotions as you flip through each pages.

A good write wins the thumbs up of many as how an amazing read makes one day.

To all the extraordinary novelists,keep your most creative imagination running as not everyone is gifted like you.Entertain us,the readers as passion for reading a worthy novel will never wean off with time.

Perhaps,one day I will publish a novel with my own words?:)..Yes,that's one of my dreams:A Perfect spot on Eiffel Tower-a pen-blank A4 papers-whilst looking down the beautiful Paris:)

A Dream Of Mine.

 :)

2333

15th November 2012 @ 1600

So,another year of birthday passed.Birthdays used to be an event that I looked forward very much few years ago but now,no more.With age is catching up,my birth day is just any other ordinary day for me now.I'd rather keep and celebrate it on my own than cutting cake in front of a big crowd.But,when you have an enthusiastic sibling and blood related relatives,all you can do is to kneel down,make a wish and cut the cake and that's all about celebrating birthdays.

As there are more fine wrinkles started to appear on your face,I'm very much ascertained that I'm getting more wiser(I believe!).It's pretty much a tedious task to get your heart and brain to work in a par as they never could.There's no clear distinct line between what a heart or a brain can decide in life.They just love overlap in decision making and drive you up to the walls.

However,I know I;m not the only one being victimised by both of them.I learned not to let myself high on something or someone.It;s a big no no.Never.Staying calm and with a good insight thought on something can  save one from loads of trouble.

No one said it's going to be easy but being the me,I know I can get through hurdles that's already on my way.

A year older means a year wiser,hence I'm hoping for a better decision making and action by myself.

Good luck to me!

1614

wrong expectation..

17th October 2012 @ 1418

I came back looking for you after such a long silence,bloggie.Here I am today reminiscing what I had gone through for the past 4 months.Just the thought of is making me all sorrow.Did I change from my usual self?I'm certain that I did not.

Life is not how you see it with your very own two lens.People are not as kind/fair or treat others equally.There will always be people who will try to bring you down.There will always be people who wants to see you end up in misery.There will always be,regardless,people who will show their long serving service as their reason to make you a scapegoat.There will always be people who will be so pre-occupied with themselves that whatever that you do at your best ,will go unnoticed in their eyes.There will be always people who will try to take advantage by the name of being friends and colleague,just because you're way too nice.AND THERE WILL ALWAYS BE PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER APPRECIATE YOUR WORK!!!.

You can do a million good things everyday at work but when you're caught for a single tiny error which could have been solved with a talk,there goes your status as a 'good' even with explanations.Mind you,there will always be someone who is not satisfied with you everyday and will try to dig your previous mistake.

In spite of you trying to uphold Hippocrates priceless oath in treating patients,the journey of a houseman is provoking doubts in myself.Am i going to endure this till next year as a houseman?Only time has the answers for my questions.

With pure and good intentions in mind to practice in addition to sympathy and a kind heart,you will get victimised for trying to help a patient.Apart from that,just when you thought of ignoring the rest and concentrate on your work,here comes a patient with false accusations on you by lodging a complaint to the office which is totally unfair for yourself.Patients are not as patient as they were before.They demand for a private hospital treatment in General Hospital.If you don't attend to their needs,there goes a complaint saying "I'm not satisfied with this doctor's attitude",even when your attitude of speaking to patients are far more better than the specialists.

Too many obstacles to face in getting through this period.At times you just wish to scream for a justice but I'm sure my voice will be drown by their voices of superior.I seriously feel housemen are merely being clerks and being used to cover other peoples mistakes.Who are there to side the housemen when something goes wrong?even the staff nurses have all the support from the sister in charge..and we?just to obey decisions made!

An angry heart or a broken heart will take some time to regain back its strength.Too many times of trying to console my heart for I know what I did was right and I will continue doing what is right as I know my passion and the promise that I had made.Learned about people and their attitudes way too late.I should have known from the start that good people don't stand the chance to stay away from trouble for too long.There will be a time where the trouble will find you till our instinct can't even sense or warn you before hand.

If all these are challenges to teach me about dealing with humans is not how I expected it to be,very well I will accept this and there's no more giving face to anything that could deprive my own stand.

You just wish at times,life is simpler than this.You seriously wish!

0059

Live a HAPPY life!

13th June 2012 @ 2326

Been awhile since my last post.Finally I'm on 3rd day of my end posting break.Done with 2 postings,3rd one awaiting to be joined this sunday.

Been in a sheer dire to post an entry and with daily dramas that I have been encountering,I have decided to  put up few tips and suggestions on ways to live a happy life.There are as mentioned below:

-Be who you really are

-Be surprised by something everyday

-Believe you are worthy of achieving your goals

-Be thankful for atleast one thing everyday

-Make friendship a priority in life

-Mistakes happens.Learn from them

-Love Extensively and expansively

-Move...Get of the sidelines and get into the flow

-Celebrate yourself everyday

-Live in a place that's inspiring and colorful

-Enjoy what you do and do it well

-Keep your dreams alive

-Hang out with funny friends

-Focus on actions instead of rewards

-Live a life full of passion and enthusiasm

-Slow down.Enjoy the simple things in life

-Learn to like people who are different than yourself

-Play...remember the kid you were.

-Cultivate curiosity and desire to learn new things

-Surround yourself with people who will build you up

-Do things that make you feel great!

-Spend more time doing things that you like

-Relax.Lighten up.Don't take yourself too seriously

-Be cheerful.Spread smiles.

-Take care of yourself.Eat well.Exercise.Rest.

-Cultivate positive emotions.

-Never dwell on your past.Always look forward

-Learn when to say 'Yes' and 'No'

-See possibilities in the starkest hour

-Savour every moment

- Keep life simple and love true

-Diversify.Have several things going on at once.

-Relate to others with warmth

-Dance and sing for every reason or for no reason

-Forgive and forget

-Be responsible.Have as few regrets as possible

-Expect wonderful things to happen

-Always be grateful.Appreciate what you have

-Give yourself a lazy day.Do nothing

-Be at peace with yourself

-Trust that you will always have more than you need

-Go where your heart leads you.

Aren't those aforementioned simple rules are awesome?I got them from the calendar like chart which was purchased from Popular bookstore.Motivation and inspiring thoughts are essential in daily life and I made it a point to swing the calendar to left  and right before pointing to one box with closed eyes before my day begins everyday!

Life has been good and there's not much of complaints..looking forward for new days to enfold for new opportunities and experiences:) 

p/s:what matters THE most is to prioritize yourself than anything else.

2344

you're just a ring away:)

30th March'12 @0119

When life get's hard,the other person that you can reliably turn to besides your parents is your friends.If there's one untarnished relationship in this world besides family is non other than friendship.
I've said this quite a number of times,but I'm definitely blessed with the ones that I have in my life.Although now we're working adults,yet we will still find time whenever we're on off days/when any of us are back to home town.A ring is enough to make an outing of 6 hours!(and sometimes more longer than that!).
You know what I find it interesting and fun here?There's always a serious talk when you surround yourself with your colleagues but the best part of going out with my partners in crime is,we can always behave and be our ownselves,crack jokes and be the 16 year olds that once we were and no one will pull you back to a serious topic.
As you go on in life,you'll find so many different people and we should let our hearts open to welcome new friends in life but as you get older,you know it's not how many friends you have in life but how many real friends who are still in touch with you.
You know you're lucky when one ring is answered by "let's go" or when gloomy days,that same ring responded with "hey,you ok?"-in this case,I know,I am truly blessed.


0130

Not sure anymore.

"it's ironic,years of waiting to be unleashed,only to realise later on,it's better to be protected under the watchful eyes..."

19th March'12 @2252

Life is really funny you know.Many of us(including me,yes underline that me word) in our teen days:
- wanted to be out of parents supervision despite knowing ourselves being brats
-wanted to do things on our own even when it's beyond our limits
-wanted to be able to make up our decisions without being told what to do
-wanted to experience the outer world earlier because of our endless curiosity
-used to contemplate hard why "I'm not allowed to do so?"
-in short,we just wanted to grow up fast/better still wanted to be an adult when others took the responsibilites to be one

* we just couldn't wait to grow up as from outlook,it's COOL to be an adult than being a child.

However,
Once we're adult,
* all that were once so promisingly took us to the 'adulthood' with much admiration and hope,just slipping away..

Honestly,
-I am not sure what's right/wrong
-I don't understand the world,seriously!
-I couldn't comprehend how human betray others' trust and break their hearts
-I simply can't digest how people could be so inhuman/jerks ..and there're alot of them to make life of others ugly

To cut it short,I'M NOT SURE ANYMORE OF WHAT PREVIOUSLY I WAS VERY MUCH CERTAIN ABOUT.

My entry today pretty sucks,I know it but like i have told earlier,I'm not sure anymore and humans are incomprehensible creatures hence I couldn't care more to explain.

2311

passion remains:)

*a much worthy excript from The Pursuit of Happyness*

10th February 2012 @ 2345

So I survived my first posting.Pulled through myself in a ward which usually shook heads of many house officers and most importantly,managed to get the much precious signature of the specialist to certify i have completed my 4 months of 1st posting on time.I think I was given a boon to face him for his signature .Submitted my log book on 9th Feb to the management and you can see it on my face,I am RELIEVED.So what's next?need to be build up stamina and get back to normal life(and I so much want that) before I start on my 2nd posting.What next awaits?Will see it with a positive attitude,as usual:)

There's always another side when you toss a coin-saw and encountered various doctors/specialists/MO and few of them really inspired me wherelse others remind you not to ever ADOPT/PRACTICE their qualities of being a doctor.Not to boast,but I think and am sure I show better quality/attitude towards my patients than themselves.Staff nurses who were estrangers previously have grown to be part of my buddies...guess being in the ward from beginning till the end had made them go "lama tak nampak?"..."lama?" "it's not even 2 weeks la kak,in Palliative Care Unit for my final 2 weeks"-and that was my answer when I revisited the ward.It brings back a smile when a staff nurse buys you a milo ice in the canteen..."I dah bayar for you" with a cheeky smile:) Your cheeks will turn pink when another house officer tells you on visits,"so I heard good things about you from the staff nurse". I dare not to say that I will miss the hecticness and noisy environment which had captivated me all this while yet good memories will remain and first posting is always something to be remembered about.

I was like given an extra 2 weeks of holidays before my posting ends when I was sent to Palliative Care Unit.Normally,it's the most 'chilling' 2 weeks of periphery as was decribed by many house officers.The first day I was in the ward,it felt too unusual when I saw only 7 patients(the maximum) been warded.IT was too quiet and calm compared to in my previous ward.Many had no idea how the ward functions but these 2 weeks I learned new approaches on management on terminally ill patients who have no potential in getting back on their feet to do their normal routine like any of us.To make it simple,patients in this ward are mainly managed for their pain because many of them are stricken by final stage of cancer and as per request by family members,they will be warded there.There's no active management for example if they stop breathing spontaneously/if there's no palpable carotid/radial artery pulse,you don't have to do CPR to bring their hearts back to life.THere's no routine blood taking here,perhaps once in awhile when the patient looked very much confused or for newly admitted/referred patients.The main aim is to make the patients as comfortable as possible and to let them die peacefully as they can't be managed/treated by surgery/chemotherapy/radiotherapy.

They say experience and the years of seeing cases will make one more wiser and a better doctor than anyone else.I just got to agree on this phrase as this Palliative ward is under the ex-director of the hospital.A very humble man indeed and the wrinkles and his white hair covered by 'songkok' will clearly tell you working with him will make you a better doctor.He had passed down qualities of a medical practitioner and made few procedures possible to be done by a house officer.I was lucky enough to had the chance of aspirating fluids from the abdominal and pleural cavities of patients and I am more confident now on doing those procedures:)Thanks to you,Dato' Dr.Clinic days were fun when I had to clerk new cases in the room of specialist before presenting the cases to him.His string of jokes can make anyone break into laughter.He is willing to teach and share his knowledge,and that sets him apart from others.

On Sunday will be my last day in the Palliative ward without me realising I could feel now that I have more to miss let it be the environment,the Dato's teachings and even the nurses.Whatever that had been gained will remain till the end and will be treasured.

And you wanna give a wild guess?Second posting awaits me after 4 days of break;)The satisfaction is there when 'thank you,doctor'-is uttered,yet I think i need to do more as this is just a baby step of mine.I had set my mind not to let compliments to get into my head and I know all I got to do is to do the best I can and not to risk others' lives.A promise made on graduation day will be carried till the end.

However it maybe or whichever long winded path of this medical profession brings me,I know for sure this is where my passion lies and this is what I want to be and do. Thank you for the first 4 months to everyone who made it possible and this kudos goes especially for myself:p

0046

and I chose this???

"and I'm just surviving...."
14th January'12 @ 0012

My selected picture above explains it all----yeah i got to blog in order to be able to doze off today.Well,after giving a long pause to blogging,I'm gonna reveal how life is as a junior house officer.

Life is....not a bed of roses,that's for sure.Be prepared to get blamed for others mistakes,be prepared to do extra job besides yours(inlcuding others'),be prepared to be thrown into an active ward where you're left ALONE,be prepared to get sarcastic remarks from patients who only think you as a health care 'service' provider...hey,what happened to the words 'noble' and 'doctor'?

When I started off last October,the first week was a nightmare....I had the slightest idea of the local hospital system and being a foreign graduate,to get adapted to the current Malaysian system was a tedious task.I never once had imagined,you got to become like the 'staff nurse' in filling up lab forms and sometimes rush down to the blood bank to get the blood reserves for transfusion and that's after having spoken to the MO.But again,I think I would have done the job better when at times they don't even send the specifically ordered tests:UFEME,stool C&S,AFB direct smear etc unless you bug them every time and that's after you had checked in the system;not sent..so what happens next?Face your specialist and MO for their further remarks...there are just too many documentations and paper work and things to be done in wards.at times you just wish you could split yourself into two so that you can punch out at 5 pm on normal days.In addition to that,grumpy and stubborn patients who just love to pull out their venofix!!

Morning rounds not so beneficiary when you have a specialist whom doesn't give a damn about house officers.He comes in with stethoscope in hand,marches straight to the acute cubicle,reviewing the case with HO in charge and MO besides him and get all out to the house officer when somethings are not clear.Now tell me,how can you actually stay focused when you are being given non-stop pressure...House officers become like a machine who work 12 hours a day with minimal learning process..yes you do get to do procedures in medical wards,at times you;re alone and when you attempted on something for the very first time and go wrong,how do you even can rectify it?what ever happened to the "First,do no harm' by Hippocrates?Discharges,tracing results and running for microb lab causes immense fatiguability by the end of the day and all that you want to do is to SLEEP!

I have told myself 'as long as my passion remains the same till the end,I will be able to make it" and i Hope it will be granted.Don't get fooled by the cool and captivating scenes featured in the tv shows on how cool and glamorous it is to be a doctor...it pays and consumes more than that...only those going through it will be able to understand it.

Perhaps things will get far more better soon,alas if you wanna take up a profession of doc,think thrice before getting into one.I will never discourage anyone but you will be missing your life once the word 'medicine' sets into your mind..so beware!!

At times I wish I have a second degree to fall on--being a novelist,sitting on Eiffel Tower,looking down at the beautiful Paris and write a book or travel around the world as a novelist...what a life right?I wish I have such type of life instead of having palpitations every morning when I step into my ward.

Currently,I'm surviving,yeah still sticking to my 1st reminder: survived.surviving.will survive.

0049